I have never talked or written about this before and I probably wouldn’t be if I wasn’t speaking at a Sexual Abuse/Domestic Violence Healing Conference but I am and I know my story will help others to heal so here it is.
I don’t know what year it happened. It seems there are alot of things that I don’t recall from my younger years. Even the good float in and out but this I remember clearly. I have set it aside for most of my life and I can honestly say that I have reconciled it by praying “God grant me to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Getting drunk and being raped is something I cannot change so now what do I do?
It was pretty much of a blind date. I knew of the guy but I don’t think I had ever met him. I figured what harm could dinner and a movie be but it turned out to be much more than that.
I don’t remember the movie or the dinner but I do remember going to a bar and I remember drinking enough that I was up dancing on a table. That is usually a sign that people just might have had a little too much to drink but it wasn’t until much later that I realized I had somewhat of an “allergy” to alcohol… I would take a drink and end up drunk doing things I couldn’t remember and would deeply regret.
My next memory was falling off a bar stool and it was at that point that I was helped out to the car. I could barely walk and he opened the back door and I plopped me in the back seat. Everything was spinning as we drove away from the bar. I couldn’t see where he was going and I assumed he was taking me home but instead he went to a secluded place, turned off the car and climbed in the back seat on top of me.
I was sick and had thrown up in the back seat and needless to say I had no interest in doing anything but it didn’t matter. I said no and stop but I had absolutely no ability to fight. I was simply too drunk and sick. I don’t know why I remember it so vividly, but I do. I also remember that the tears didn’t matter to him. I thought to myself how gross it was that I had been puking and he was doing this anyway. It didn’t take long and it was over.
I was still living with my parents, that much I remember and I don’t know if he helped me in or waited until I sobered up enough to walk but I don’t think I told anyone except my friends, and that was long before anyone reported such things to the police. Especially if you “asked for it” by getting drunk and dancing on a table. I wrote it off as it being “my own damn fault” for many years. Because he was a “friend” of some of the other people that my brother and I hung around with I was questioned why I didn’t want anything to do with him and my response, as I recall was “he is a jerk.” That was putting it mildly.
So here I am, well over 40 years later talking about it. WHY? Not because I want to join a movement to bring people to justice and ruin lives decades later but because if it wouldn’t have been things like that and other similar events that happened to me over the years I would not be here trying to help others. It was not my fault that it happened but there are things that I knew I needed to change to prevent such things from happening again.
It is the negative results of those choices and abuses that gave me the wisdom from that serenity prayer to tell you that you don’t need to be stuck in the hell of guilt, shame, anger, resentment and hate. You can be free from not only the thoughts and feelings but Romans 8:28 is true and can give you hope for the future because it promises that “God works ALL thing together for the good for those that love Him and are called according to His purposes.”
So what good can possibly come from abuse and how can you truly heal and be rid of the haunting memories or at least learn how to deal with them when they come? The first revelation came when I was going to kill myself. I didn’t really want to do it but I felt so guilty about so many things that I had done during those using years that I just didn’t want to go on. A 16 year old Christian girl had told me that God loved me and had a plan for my life if I would turn all this over to him so I got on my knees and prayed. A miracle happened that night and I had no desire to drink or use and I started my journey right then and there of healing.
My takeaway was;
WE HAVE BEEN SAVED FOR A PURPOSE AND THE WORLD NEEDS US! GOD HAS GIVEN US ALL THE SKILLS TALENTS, ABILITIES AND EXPERIENCES WE NEED TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND SAVE LIVES SO LET’S GET ON WITH IT TOGETHER!
Out of this was born a new person. I finally realized who Jesus really was and what His followers were meant to be and do. I have been seeking to do that ever since and it is my passion to help others who have gone through tough or abusive times. Perhaps there are those that have coped with their pain through an addiction or are suffering with a mental or physical health illness. No matter what, God has a purpose for you and will give you hope and healing through His love and grace. This is why you are reading this. You are meant to be a Faucet of HOPE and He has brought you to me to help show you how.
If you are struggling with things from the past, what you have done or what has been done to you I can help. If you are reading this I believe you are meant to be working with me in some way. I have written two books about my experiences and you can get a taste of them by going to MY AUTHOR PAGE
You can work with me on how to live the Serenity Prayer
- Accept the things you can’t change- It happened. Nothing you think, do or say will change that. Acceptance is the only solution to sanity.
- Change the things you can – People make risky and bad decisions when under the influence. If using alcohol or drugs is a problem then get help to get clean and sober.
- Gain the wisdom to know the difference- Talk to someone! A counselor, pastor, life or recovery coach or friend who has experience walking someone through the situation you are facing.
- Discover your purpose and move on- Discovering your purpose isn’t as hard as the moving on part may be. It may sound like a trite answer but it’s really not. When we realize that it is our very experiences that can shape our purpose to help others it can actually turn the tragedy into a blessing.
To find that serenity you are looking for you can sign up for a FREE COACHING SESSION with me or if you have insurance in Wisconsin and are covered by Teledoc you can hook up with me there for more intensive therapy.
On my website you will find my BLOGS, my PODCASTS, EVENTS and much more including information on Sexual Abuse/Domestic Violence Healing Conference
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