Finally! I got to take my daughter who was two years old to the park. She had been asking me all day and I’d been so busy.
I dropped off my 13-year-old at a birthday party by the lake. She was so excited because she was going to go water skiing and hang out with her friends. It was a beautiful day. I pulled up in front of the park and a police car pulled up next to me. I rolled down my window and said yes?
He asked me are you Michelle Muff? “Yes” I said. He stated, “I need to talk to you somewhere private. Is there somewhere you can take her? He looked at the back seat at my daughter. I looked at him, “We were just going to the park”. He said, “It’s really important. I need to talk to you in private. “I said, “OK I just live a couple blocks away.”
Lily started screaming, “I want to go to the park!” I told her honey we just got to meet with this man and then will come right back. As I discovered later this was not going to happen
I parked in the driveway, and I got out. “OK what’s this about?” He said “You need to take your daughter into the house. Is there someone that can watch her? “I go to the backseat and unbuckle my daughter. She’s crying, “I want to go to the park. “I walk into the house, and I get my daughter Kristen, age 16 years old.
I hurriedly say, “Kristen there’s a policeman here and he wants to talk to me. Can you watch Lily?” Her face goes ashen. She says yes.
I go back out to the front steps, and I stand there, and the policeman says, “Do you know John McKay? “Yes, I say. He looks at me, quiet for a second, and then says, John McKay was found deceased yesterday. I said, “what?” I had a lot of questions going through my head. I started to wobble and fall. I grabbed the policeman to steady me. He puts his arm out and I grabbed it for support. I slowly sat down in my front steps. After giving me more information of the details that he knew I looked up at him, and asked, “How am I going to tell my daughters?” I asked him to come into the house with me. I had to tell my 16-year-old and my 13-year-old daughter that their father was dead.
History of My Alcoholic Husband:
Nobody wants to find out that their ex-husband drank himself to death on the couch. Nobody wants to experience the grief of telling their daughters that their father is dead.
John McKay the man that I married and loved from Boston Massachusetts, was dead. He drank himself to death. They found him dead on his couch in his apartment with a bottle of vodka lying next to him. He died at 53 years old. He had so many dreams. He was so handsome. At one point in his career, he owned a million-dollar advertising company. His company he built from the ground up employed 50 and his office overlooked the Boston Harbor. All that was gone.
We had a brand-new house in Canton Massachusetts and a boat in the harbor. We had two beautiful daughters and he couldn’t stop drinking. I knew he was using drugs too, but I never did find out what exactly it was.
I remember the day when he told me he got fired from his own company. Things were not going well in the business, and he had hired a Board of Directors. It was shortly after he hired them to help run and finance his company that the board of directors fired him.
John told me that there were allegations that he was using cocaine. He laughed and said that was ridiculous. Was it? Was it ridiculous? Probably not.
John’s father was an alcoholic. John would never would have imagined that he too would become one. Such is the transgenerational sickness and death of alcoholism.
My History:
How did I, a small-town Catholic girl who grew up on a family farm, youngest of seven, end up moving to Boston Massachusetts marrying an alcoholic?
I was raised the youngest of seven children. I grew up on a farm with strong Catholic values to guide me.
I had my first drink when I was 13 years old. My parents were gone, and my older sister said want to taste this? I tasted it and it was disgusting. I asked her what it was she said she mixed it with alcohol. We proceeded to drink and get drunk together.
That started my drinking career where I ended up getting picked up by the police twice in high school for drinking. I received two minors in high school. Why did my sister and I find it necessary to drink? What were we running away from and what were we running to?
Alcoholism can be used as a coping mechanism to not feel, think or talk.
After high school I went to college and continued to drink. I was even a part of our fraternity where I was a little sister. They had a lot of keg parties.
I Became Saved:
In college I attended a TEC (To Encounter Jesus) retreat and I found Jesus, and since that moment my life has never been the same.
I stopped drinking after I found Jesus.
After the TET retreat I joined a Bible study and I was a minister on a national evangelization team where I traveled around the United States giving retreats to high school students sharing my testimony on how finding Jesus saved me.
I attended the Franciscan University Steubenville and got my master’s degree in counseling with the emphasis in Christian counseling. It was at that university that I met my husband. I strongly heard a voice telling me not to marry him and I ignored it. John was at the University visiting a friend. I met him at a party and shook his hand and was swooned immediately.
Falling from Grace
I moved from Ohio to Massachusetts to date a man I barely knew. We were dating long distance but had fallen madly in love with him. My daughter was 9 months old when I realized that my husband was an alcoholic. Why didn’t I recognize it before then? He was so charming and very good at hiding it.
I was codependent. I had watched my mother live her codependent life with my father. Somehow, we keep entering and attracting that which we’re familiar with, and that with which we’re willing to accept.
Codependent Theory of Self Differentiation:
Ross Rosenberg wrote the book called, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap.
In his book he describes how the narcissist and the co-dependent find each other in what he calls the codependent dance. He relates that if you placed 100 couples in a room the Codependent will find the narcissist like a lock and key and walk out of the room together in a highly sexualized and charged relationship which eventually turn toxic.
He highlights this teaching via a number line a continuum of self-differentiation.
On the left side of the number line sits the codependent who states to him/herself/ I am only as good as you tell me I am. This person gives the ability to others to define their personhood. This person often attempts to serve his or her loved ones to the detriment of themselves. She/he asks the question, “What can I do for you?”
On the other side of the number line continuum Rosenberg labels it the emotional manipulator. This person is self-centered and ask the question? “What can you do for me?” He/she is self-focused and lacks the ability to be other focused.
In the center of this continuum is the healthy self-differentiated person that has a healthy sense of self and is nether dependent on others to define him/herself but continues to enjoy giving and receiving in a relationship. In the center you find a person that is able replace manipulative thinking with the ability to be tolerate of others and their opinion with no defense. This person can verbalize a sense of self-respect that is not dependent on others’ opinion’s
Ross Rosenberg stops short in his narrative with those three areas. However, as a Christian counselor I have added another layer. This layer becomes the most important in the steps to recover as a codependent. This step enables the person to look up to God to heal, to be loved and to be in a deep soul-searching healing relationship.
In the step to “Up to God” you meet His love and can both give and receive love with others.
In the case of the dependent alcoholic this personhood is lost and, in its place, arises a dependency on the chemical to feel ok, normal and to function. In this case the love affair is with the chemical to hide oneself and to refuse to listen to the hurt the pain and the degradation of the self.
In my short life I have been the codependent and abused alcohol to cope, to hide to make friends. God has gifted me with the suffering to strip me of those dependencies from a substance and another human being to relay on God and his grace, His love and His blood to redeem, to restore and to heal.
To find my way to the center of self-differentiation I had to go in and out of the river of grace and find myself lost and alone until I found my rest in the arm of my creator. Saint Augustine stated, “My soul is restless till it rests in You.” Saint Augustine found his peace in the Creator and so have I. Now I work to teach and to heal others to find that peace.
Healing of the Self:
It is important to recognize the three-step process to healing involves:
- Go up to God to present yourself completely to Him.
- Receive God’s love
- Go out to the world to be Light and love (God’s Presence)
I don’t drink anymore. I can’t even have a glass of wine. One glass of wine and I’m up till 3 AM in the morning. I blame it on menopause. I don’t keep alcohol in my home.
If you’re hurting, please get help. If you’re drinking, try to understand the reason why? Go as deep as you can into this dynamic and try to see the effects it has on your life and on your family’s life.
Jesus loves you and will forgive you. I have stepped out of the river of Grace many times and God was always willing to take me back into His loving arms and offer me His grace. I promise you once you get into that canoe Jesus will bring you back to where you’re supposed to be in a new and different place in his arms.
If you find that you cannot take that leap and get into that canoe with Jesus and need help to overcome the blocks of shame to open the door of your heart, please let me know. I would be happy to help you open the door, stump out the lies of shame through Jesus and assist you in getting back into the river of grace with Joy. I am Michelle Jean from Coach to Joy.
TO HEAR MICHELLE on the 7 Day Sobriety Challenge just go to https://7daysobrietychallenge.com
YOU CAN REACH MICHELLE HERE
