By Linda Larson Schlitz, MS, LISW, LPC
Normal. Everything we do in every facet of life values people based on a scale that “someone” derived to define what “good enough” is. For some parents, schools, businesses, organizations, and funders “good enough” means you are at least “normal” or “average” and therefore acceptable and worthy of getting compliments, rewards, support, benefits, jobs, funding, and much more.
For others, perhaps the majority, “average” isn’t good enough. Parents and teachers often aren’t satisfied with a “C” average and neither are most colleges. “You could do better” is frequently what children, students, employees, and others hear. If they aren’t able to rise above whatever is “wrong” with them they may be held back, punished, shamed, rejected, penalized, bullied, or receive a consequence in some other way like “flunking” or being denied other benefits or services.
Potential workers are judged on whether they have a good work history, clean record, dress appropriately, speak intelligently, fill out the application properly and present a professional resume with a stellar picture of their accomplishments. Having tattoos, piercings, not having good eye contact, a driver’s license or a firm handshake can surely be the demise of an otherwise perfect job candidate.
Employees are valued when they excel at making the company money, putting them above the competitors, being the best in the market and doing things quicker and better than ever before. Pushing to do more with less forces workers to take on jobs that were previously done by others with the expectation that they will continue to excel not in just one position but two, one of which they may not have ever done before or had any skill or desire to do.
Our social service system determines who gets the financial rewards, benefits or on the other hand sanctions or punishments based on whether or not they are able to articulate their needs, fill out the proper forms in the right way, at the right time and do so with the right tone of voice, with a positive and cooperative attitude, show up at appointments even if it means risk losing their job to get there because if they don’t they will further jeopardize getting whatever it is they “need” that the government has promised not to discriminate against them to provide.
Whether it is financial aid for school, food share, housing assistance, disability benefits, unemployment or any number of other services or supports, everyone is put into the same proverbial “box” and it is assumed that all people are created equal and capable of meeting the “normal” standards even though there are laws that protect people from that type of rejection.
We frequently don’t ask if people need help filling out forms and if they say yes then they fear, and realistically so, that people will make assumptions that they may not be competent to do the job because it is assumed that a “normal” person should be able to fill out paperwork or a job application correctly without help. We don’t want to take the time to find out more or if they may have the skill needed because we have already made the judgment because they aren’t “normal” and we have policies and procedures and criteria and if you don’t meet it timely, with or without help we not only won’t but by means of the “box” we can’t provide the service, approve the benefit, rent them the apartment, provide the alternative to incarceration or offer the job. We send them on their way, perhaps homeless, broke, unemployed, hungry and cold and figure “oh well, it’s their problem, they made choices and it’s their own fault.”
The fact is, it IS our problem and we have to do something about it because nothing changes if nothing changes and it has to start with us. Denying people things because they are “differently-abled” is going to cost us a hefty price if not directly, but indirectly with billions of dollars in lost productivity, violence, criminal activity, and medical care.
We are born to want to love and be loved. We are born with unique abilities that make us and everyone around us feel good. As our child takes their first step, says their first word, does that first little dance, or puts that first toy together, we are compelled to show them off as much as they are compelled to perform. We are programmed to make others feel good about doing what we are good at and enjoy doing.
It is also human nature to make sure those opportunities are given to us. We cry when we are hungry or hurt. We get angry when we are denied the opportunity to do what we enjoy and we learn very quickly how the world works.
Yelling, hitting, denying affection, punishing, and hurting others in whatever way will persuade them to do things our way becomes the goal of self-protection. This is where bullying is born, verbal, physical and self-abuse develops and gangs become a haven of support. When we find these ways ineffective self-abuse is the next way of managing the negative feelings of not being “good enough.”
Alcohol, drug abuse, eating disorders, and cutting are just a few of the self-destructive behaviors that people use to escape. Sex, gambling, spending money and risk-taking behaviors are other addictions that cause massive destruction to themselves and others.
The ultimate self-abuse is suicide, a rising concern that has leaves families devastated and often in shock because many of these people seemed to have it all and were on their way to stardom. They may have had good grades, successful businesses or perhaps military heroes. If only we would have been able to see that their brilliance and success and our social norms that push people to overachieve, led us to expect more from them than what they could offer and they lost hope because they never felt “good enough” so they ended it all.
When we don’t make the effort to find what others can offer we are missing the opportunity to offer HOPE. Help Opportunity Praise and Encouragement. HOPE is something we all need and long for every day. We are not created to do this thing called “life” alone. None of us have all the skills, talents, abilities and experiences needed to do everything we need to do to survive. We need each other.
If only we could realize that the biblical analogy of being one “body” makes much more sense in how we view people’s value. You see our value cannot be determined in and of itself because we are not meant to “stand alone” in ANYTHING we do. We are meant to work together and collaborate with each other to become the best we can be.
I am a visionary. I see what could be. I am driven to move and change and inspire and empower and offer Help Opportunity Praise and Encouragement –HOPE- to anyone who is seeking to leave a positive legacy for future generations.
I believe that everyone was created for a specific purpose, to do a specific job, for a specific group of people, at a specific time, to inspire a specific action that will empower those individuals to respond in a specific way so they too can do the same to their chosen audience that will not hesitate to pay for what they have to offer.
Because none of us were meant to do this alone it is imperative that we seek to find our “team” of experts that are intended to walk with us in our journey to fulfill the mission that we all have. Because we all have different gifts, abilities, talents and experiences we must find those that will fill the void of what we don’t do well so we can be successful in what we need to do to reach our goals and fulfill our mission in the world.
Consider our homes. It is good for all of us to learn how to do what is necessary like cooking and laundry and cleaning and taking out the garbage and bathing. Some things we can and should do alone, others we certainly can collaborate on.
For example, there are those who really love to clean and organize and others who would much rather do the cooking. What is wrong with letting children do what they enjoy doing the most? Does it matter if Suzy cleans Johnny’s room and Johnny cooks dinner for Suzy every night?
Why don’t we pair the highly organized child or employee who has all their papers in order and their assignments done and turned in on time, with the hyperactive one who loses everything and never turns anything on time. Perhaps the organized person has problems with numbers or writing papers that the hyperactive person/child could probably help them with so both people feel good about their accomplishments, they have both succeeded and produced “above average” results whereas doing it alone would have gotten inadequate results costing them and many others in the long run.
And when it comes to social problems, once again, the “group” mentality has always proven to be more powerful than doing it alone. Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in the 1940’s and to this day remains one of the most successful methods of treating alcoholism.
Subsequently, a few years later, these same alcoholics who found themselves not doing well living alone started the Oxford House, a sober house of like-minded alcoholics or drug addicts who were committed to stopping using substances. This peer-to-peer program on how to stay clean and sober has been very successful in providing self-supporting housing with built-in “social services” that monitor behavior (corrections), teach responsibility (supportive housing), require them to attend recovery meetings (counseling services) and learn basic life skills (vocational rehabilitation.)
This “one anothering” is the basic foundation of every successful business and yet we evaluate people with the criteria that they should be able to do “everything” like “everybody” else can. We keep trying to put a square peg into a round hole and then discriminate against people if they don’t fit. The round hole is no better than the square peg and if the roles were reversed the round hole wouldn’t fit into the square peg either.
When are we going to start helping people to discover what they were created to do and support them in doing it? When are we going to focus education on a person’s innate abilities to excel at something that no one else ever has or ever could do like they can? When are we going to teach that everyone has something of irreplaceable value to the rest of us that we must seek out, appreciate and promote? When are we going to start helping each other to be a successful team instead of competitors in a race that none of us can win alone?
We are truly all “Faucets of HOPE” that are created and capable of providing…
Help for those that are thirsting for a chance to live the life they always dreamed Opportunity to do what they could never do alone . Praise for their willingness to trudge through the desert when it is scary and hard. Encouragement to trust that there will be another faucet further up the road that was placed there just for them when they will need it and reminding them that they too are faucets for others along the way that need them too which is their purpose and chance to leave their legacy of HOPE.
If we continue to evaluate people based only on a scale developed by what we can do independently of others we will never move past being “normal, average, ordinary” to being the extraordinary people, families, schools, businesses, churches or nations that we can be collaborative.
Together, there is nothing we can’t accomplish. Alone we are sure to fail.
Linda Larson Schlitz is an International Speaker, Author and Corporate Trainer providing HOPE to families, schools, businesses and individuals who are ready to initiate change to make this world a better place. She has a Masters’s Degree in Counseling and over 25 years of experience developing creative programs and services for youth and adults in churches, schools, job centers, and the community. Linda received many awards including the Red Cross Hometown Hero, the Athena Award, and the AOD Prevention Partnership Award, 2021 and 2023 Alignable Business of the Year, commendations from Wausau Mayor, Jim Tipple and the Secretary of Workforce Development Reggie Newson. In addition, Governor Scott Walker inscribed on her commendation plaque “you are an example for the citizens of the State of Wisconsin to follow.”
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